Holiday Panic? Nope.

First of all, a cat update: My kitty is not dying. After having some mouth surgery on Friday, she is doing much better. She’s even eating! It’s such a relief. Even my mom said, “you sounded so DEPRESSED!” My mother is not a cat person at all. Until recently, she referred to my cat as “the creature” or “the animal.” The last time she was here George jumped on her lap and she continued her conversation with me with her hands in the air until he got the hint and jumped off.

I’ve had a few realizations while I’ve been here. I was driving up Congress last week in the evening to go to Happy Hour for my friend Emily’s birthday, and as I saw the Capitol, I got a rush like I was seeing the Hollywood Sign. It was beautiful and majestic and regal. It took my breath away. And I thought, ” I LIVE here.” And I was relieved.

I feel that there are MORE different opportunities for happiness here than there were for me in Los Angeles. I think that there, my only road to contentment would be through professional success. And who even knows what that means? I actually HAD professional success there and I wasn’t happy. But HERE, there are so many more roads to take. I think I don’t even know the map yet. I still have to find a job, but I’m not worried about it. It may take some time, but you know what? That’s a-okay with me. You know that Beatles’ song, “Getting Better”? That’s what I’m all about at the moment.

On Sunday night, I went to see some shows at Coldtowne with Graham and Darcy. I really enjoyed myself. It’s an improv theatre with tremendous spirit. It’s BYOB, there are sofas and laughter and support and everyone really seems to enjoy each other and the art of Improvisation. It made me happy to be there. It had a very “Austin” feel to it. I don’t really know how to define that. But basically, it’s pretty damn cool. And I was relieved.

I’m going to register for a French class at the Alliance Français d’Austin right after the New Year and I also joined the French Meetup here. C’est magnefique. People here are happy to be here. It’s not a stop on the way to something Bigger and Better. And therefore, je suis très heureuse! And relieved. Joyeux Nöel et Bonne Année!

The Stars at Night….

Dear dear people,

Well, it’s been a week. And as they say, give us a week, we’ll take off the weight. That comment does not in any way correspond to my life. It’s more like, What a difference a week makes…… Things are better and worse. I have been able to see that I am going to be happy here in Austin. That’s the better part. But one of my kitties is possibly dying. That is the worse part. And that is the part that has been consuming my life. That being said, I’ll detail my accomplishments for this week:
1. Got my driver’s license
2. Got my Texas plates for my car, which by the way, are very unattractive. They are REALLY colorful and there is so much going on. There are more numbers and letters and they are BOLD black and printed on the plate – not indented like every other state. The prisoners must be pissed. It’s a new design and the only explanation for them is that they must have been a Make-A-Wish situation. “What’s the harm, Hal? Let’s let the kid design the plate!” Sheesh.
3. Sent my packets to an agent and the Friday Night Lights CD. Have a meeting with an Austin talent agent on Wednesday. yay!
4. got local phone, internet and TV set up through U-verse. I love it people, love it.
5. Applied for a job at Whole Foods.
6. Had a breakdown.
7. Watched 7 episodes of Law & Order.
8. Watched Fatal Attraction. It’s so good. Really. That Glenn Close…….
9. Been back and forth to Target and Bed, Bath and Beyond 7 times.
10. Stuff arrived from California. Unpacking. Still.
11. Found my post office, mall and Vet. Got lost each time I went.
12. Went to a Christmas Party. Met some ausome (see how I spelled that? Funny, right? Hello?) ladies.

And now things that I have learned or noticed about Austin vs. Los Angeles:
1. There are so many red/maroon cars here. Like a noticeable amount.
2. The Starbucks here feature local art on the wall that is for sale. Interesting.
3. They spell Hummos like this: Hommus.
4. They have lots of grocery store choices here: HEB, Central Market, Whole Foods, Fresh n Easy, Sprouts, Randalls and Sun Harvest.
5. The red lights are really long. Bring a book. But, they have left turn arrows almost everywhere.
6. People don’t jaywalk.
7. There aren’t that many Chase Banks here as Los Angeles.
8. My friends aren’t here.
9. I’m meeting new people.
10. Everyone seems ready for a drink at any time. My kind of people.
11. The people seem contented, as if they are not distracted by wanting something they don’t have.
12. Everyone is so helpful that I am suspicious. Sad, right?

I think that’s it. Tonight I am home, keeping an eye on Georgie Girl kitty and hoping that a Christmas Miracle is around the corner.

Deep in the Heart of Texas, irene

The Doubtful Guest

Well, I made it. To Austin, that is. I’m doing okay. That’s about it. Okay. I’m extremely exhausted and I’m living out of suitcases and bags until my furniture and stuff gets here later in the week. The trip here was uneventful. Oh wait, no it wasn’t. My mom and I did a 360 on the icy freeway outside of Van Horn, Texas and ended up in a ditch. I started crying. My mom called AAA. The cats slept. We ended up staying an extra night in Van Horn. Population: 1 Dairy Queen, 1 Ramada and a stoplight. Car is fine, mom is fine, daughter is fine, thanks to the Sheriff of Culberson County.

Last night was my first night in my new place. I was sleeping on a “very comfortable” air mattress in the middle of the living room. I put my head on the pillow and immediately started tearing up. That fairly quickly turned into full-fledged crying.
I cried:
-because an air mattress is never comfortable no matter what it says on the box
-because I’m not sure what I have done
-because you can get lost, no matter how small the city is
-because everyone has been SO KIND to me
-because Southern Hospitality is a reality
-because although I found some comfort in Target, it’s not the North Hollywood Target. That one MADE SENSE to me
-because it took me 35 minutes to find Saran wrap in my new grocery store
-because I have a new grocery store
-because I have SO much work ahead of me- in so many facets
-because I thought that Leaving Los Angeles would be the hard part and now it seems that Arriving in Austin will be
-because I don’t have internet until Friday so I have to go to Whole Foods to use their WiFi
-because the guy who had the apartment before me was not as good a tenant as me and he didn’t leave the mail key and I had to call a locksmith to put a new lock in
- because Austin is not a grid. These streets make no sense!
-because I’m not sure who I am without the direction of being an unsatisfied actress
-because Happy may take a little/lot more work than I thought it would
-because I miss my friends so much
-because I’m crying
-because my cat George keeps getting locked in cabinets and then I can’t find him.
-because my cat Georgie keeps falling off of things because of her epilepsy medication
-because of the amount of breaded foods I have eaten the past 5 days
-because my mom and I weren’t hurt in that icy accident.
-because I’m afraid I’ve made a mistake.

Now, I’ve only been here 48 hours and when I was feeling all that, I had been here 24. And truthfully, all of it boils down to the last one. So, if you are one of the people who thought this idea of mine was crazy, please don’t tell me to come back to Los Angeles. Right now I simply won’t be able to take it. I just have to live it out somehow.

I auditioned tonight for a production of “Our Town.” That seems like a start. I just don’t know where “My Town” is right now.

PS. “The Doubtful Guests” are a great improv show that I saw in Los Angeles. I don’t know if they still perform. I saw them at Bang.

Under Pressure

Well, I’m living my last 72 hours in Los Angeles. Here are the haps: packing, hangnails, misplacing my scissors, cursing how much crap I have, eating odd meals of left over food (V8 and applesauce, anyone?) and trying to make sure that everyone feels okay about me leaving. That last one is the most exhausting. At the risk of sounding conceited, I’ll say this: too many people want me these last few days. Any other time that you move, people (myself included) back off for about 2 weeks. But right now, at very the point where I am getting my most stressed, it appears that everyone else is, too, and I feel tugged in a million directions. I love my friends so much and I know that they care deeply about me, but people are treating me like I’m dying. They gaze at me for a little too long and their touches linger. I console them on their loss like a funeral director. Maybe they know something I don’t. I was venting to Karen about how many people have wanted to make their last interaction with me “special” and to be frank, that’s exactly what I don’t want. I want just normal whatever time. I don’t want some experience with a good friend that I’ve never had. I want to do the things we always do- like sitting at Starbucks and chatting it up til we both yawn with satisfaction. Last night I went to Gillian’s and saw her, her sister and their 4 kids. It was wonderful because it was just life. Kids playing, wine drinking, laughter and pie. And I didn’t have to take a shower. That’s my kind of night.

In talking to my friend Monica, we came to the conclusion that I am in Tech Week. Anyone who has done a play knows what I am talking about. The show I’m producing is called “My Big Move” and it opens on Wednesday and right now there are a lot of things to do. And as one knows with tech week, you have to disconnect emotionally in order to get the job done. I feel that way. I have no tears left. About two weeks ago, my tears were right under the surface ready to make a break for it with nothing more than a mention of a Sig Alert. Now I can’t work tears up for anything or anyone. I try to squeeze them out, but end up feeling foolish and acting like there is sleep in my eye. When I’m saying good bye to someone now my brain is already on to the next thing. This morning I saw my friend Thomas and as we were hugging and saying we would miss each other, he said, “You’re thinking about Bed, Bath and Beyond, aren’t you?” Um, yes I was. And God Bless him, he sent me on my way. On Thanksgiving, David Iserson, the host with the most, simply waved to me and said, “I’ll see you later.” I appreciated it immensely because I start to feel like I’m dying when people treat the parting as so IMPORTANT and FINAL. And that’s not what I want to feel when I’m so excited about this new adventure. A different David stopped by for 5 minutes to give me some fantastic coasters that he made for me, like it was no big deal and my apartment did not look like a storage unit. That felt good. And Dave (I know a lot of Davids…..) and Ben had me over to their place to drink wine on the couch while some football game was one- no, I don’t know which one and neither did they. Those are the moments I want. Nothing fancy. Nothing IMPORTANT. Just you and me and me and you. Cause we can do that anywhere. Even Texas. And nobody has to shower.

The Hornet, Part Deux

6:14PM, November 22, 2009.

I’m writing this on a pad of paper. I’m in my trailer. My call time was 1PM but I got a call at 8:15AM asking me to “be here NOW.” So I drove from the Valley to Culver City and made it before 9AM. That’s Sunday traffic, for you. It’s now 6:15PM. I have done nothing. Not completely true- I’m in hair and makeup. But aside from that……zip.

If I were staying in Los Angeles, this would make me mad. This would be a situation where I sit in my 8′x3′ trailer (actually they opened up the other half for me so it’s 8′x6′!) all day and rail against THE INDUSTRY. “I had THINGS to DO today!” I would scream in my head. Which is true. But I see how futile that is. Yes, my day has been spent alone in a small metal box trying not to fall asleep on my french-twisted hairdo. It’s not easy to do. I didn’t bring enough things with me to maintain my focus. No TV. My phone battery is almost dead and I cannot read any more of The Artist’s Way. I’m simply TOO inspired, Julia Cameron.

Being in this box reminds me of a particular episode of Law & Order: SVU. Detective Stabler checked himself into prison to see what all the fuss was about. Chris Meloni acted his pants off. He had visions and night sweats and started talking to himself. When the guard came to let him out, he was beside himself. I was, similarly, relieved a little while ago when a fly wandered in here and I got to try to make him leave. It only took about a minute (again, it’s not a large space) but at least it was variety. Most of the day, my excitement has been waiting for my bladder to fill so I can walk the 10 feet to the bathroom. Craft service is far away (which is good). I’ve been over there only twice today. Not bad for 9 hours. I’ve had some almonds, a very hard pear, some Snackwell’s and a Diet Dr. Pepper. Yes, I’m hungry.

What else? Well, my tailbone hurts. And earlier today- maybe 6 hours ago?- I did manage to take a 20-minute nap. I found the precise position that did not disturb my hair or makeup. I was on my stomach on the padded bench in here with my face gingerly propped on the top right corner of my forehead. I may have slipped a disc in my neck, but by God, my lipstick was still intact.

I feel forgotten about. The security guy said to me, “You’re still here? Hey, why are you here anyway?” Good question, Ramón. And one that we should ask ourselves every day. I have an irrational fear that the Honeywagon driver is just going to close up shop for the night and drive away with me in here. By the time the Terrified Maid gets to the set she will be the….God, I don’t know, I can’t think of anything glib. I just want to go home. It’s now 6:29PM. That only took 15 minutes?!?!?!?!

UPDATE: I got called to the set about 7:30PM. We wrapped at 8:20PM. We did two shots of Seth in which my rump passes by. Glad I didn’t disturb my hair. Oh, Hollywood!

UPDATE: I had a good night’s sleep and reread this. It sounds ungrateful. I’m not saying that being in a movie and sitting in a trailer is like being in Darfur, I’m just saying it can be lonely and boring. Oh, blogs!

It’s Really Happening. Oh no.

I leave here in a week and a half. WHATTHE?!?!?!?!? It’s true, y’alls. After a year of theoretical dreams, it’s now happening. Lots going on. I got an apartment in Austin. I’m living in boxes. I think I have a mouse. I’m auditioning for “Our Town” two days after I get to Austin. I’m freaking out and can’t cry anymore (isn’t that a song?). And finally, one of my cats has epilepsy.

Yes, I got a place in Austin! I really think I’m going to love it. It’s walking distance to both Barton Springs and Zilker Park. It’s a one bedroom and it comes with a washer/dryer. And a dishwasher. I feel like an EMPEROR! While I was in Austin, I had a bit of a freak out. I mean, MY LIFE AS I KNOW IT IS ENDING. I know, I know, it’s really just CHANGING. Yeah, but it’s also ENDING. I also realized for the first time that I am going to have to find a new grocery store. I know that seems pretty obvious, but it hadn’t occurred to me. I’ve gone to Ralph’s for 13 years! What am I going to do?!?!? But then I got over that and freaked out about how far away I’ll be from a Target. Which is silly because earlier that same day, I was freaking out about how small Austin is (1,000,000 people vs. 10,000,000) so chances are, I’ll be CLOSER to a Target. I also recognized, for the first time in my life, that I have been living in a state of URGENCY for about 17 years (since I graduated from college, basically.) My life here is DEFINITELY mired in urgency. That needed to be done YESTERDAY and by the way, you need to be at that audition NOW. And that particular sensation was missing in Austin. Kind of refreshing, but mostly disorienting. Nobody there seemed to be urgent about anything. Not about my apartment application (which took 5 days to process,) not about getting breakfast (almost 30 minutes after ordering,) not about getting through that red light (pull OUT into the intersection when you are turning left!) Nothing. I know I will get used to it, but right now I feel very “Uptight City Girl goes to the country and has a fish out of water experience with the po’ folks.” Of course, we know that after milking a cow or helping some bumpkin have a baby, Uptight City Girl recognizes her Uptight Ways and starts to Slow Down. So, I have to be patient. Which I’m trying to do Urgently.

Home Again, Home Again

Friday, November 6, 2009 6:35AM

We just took off. I’m headed to Austin to look for an apartment this weekend. I started crying a little bit on the ascent. Not enough tears to hit my cheeks but enough to feel that prick behind my eyeballs and worry that I didn’t bring Kleenex. We are out over the ocean. Seems weird to since Texas is the other way. I assume somebody knows what’s going on. I’ve been caught up lately in the “Last Time.” Is this the “last time” I park at LAX? Probably, but I gotta catch that shuttle so I can’t think about it. Is this the “last time” I wait in line at security? Probably, but I gotta get my small liquids out and put them in that bin and that man behind me is being pushy. Is this the “last time” I take off from LAX as a resident? Probably. And that got to me. And I must admit that it wasn’t Melancholy. It was Relief. I feel that having such overpowering relief is a bit of a betrayal to my wonderful friends. I’m not relieved to be leaving them; they are collateral damage.

My career in Los Angeles (and so, by extension, my whole life here) has become a demanding mistress who I no longer want to indulge. At first, I was taken in by her beauty, charm, glamour and her requests. I wanted to satisfy her so I would meet her any time of the day at any hotel and bring her anything she wanted. Now, I don’t want to even take her calls. I let her leave a message. I’ve realized that I’m never going to marry her. She’s not the marrying kind. I am unseduced by her glamour. It feels sudden, but it’s not really. As I look back, we have been breaking up for a long time. And although it’s “amicable,” as they say in the tabloids, I think we ALL know that one person didn’t REALLY want it. Maybe we had “irreconcilable differences.” She wanted to take everything from me for an occasional thrilling ride in the hay and I realized the sex wasn’t that great and I’d rather be with someone who loves me unconditionally- even if that means less danger. I’m letting her down as easily as I can but the fact of the matter is, this relationship is over and I cannot wait to be out of her grasp.

They’re bringing drinks. Somebody ordered a beer. At 6:55AM? Really? I understand a bloody mary or mimosa but a beer? It’s a Bud Light. I should be happy.

My commercial shoots went super well. I’m happy to have potential money coming in and the Career Builder spot is supposed to be a Super Bowl ad (which isn’t always good for the actor because some of those ads only air that one time.) And it looks like I qualified for my health insurance for next year. So there is not that immediate pressure to get a job. Although I better get one because the cats sure won’t.

Broad next to me has the sniffles. Keep ‘em to yourself, lady.

I love flying. Airports have always struck me as such high-stake emotional places. I miss the days when your loved ones could meet you at the gate. Once when I was at DFW waiting to take a flight, I saw, at another gate, a plane full of kids disembark who had been at camp for the entire summer. They each came TEARING out of the Jetway and into their parents’, grandparents’ and siblings’ arms amid screams, hugs, kisses and cries. They looked like they were running FROM something but really they were leaping INTO something. I feel that way. I had a great time and I wouldn’t trade my adventures at camp for anything (and I have the arts & crafts to prove it) but I’m just ready to be HOME.

And now we descend. Here come the real tears. Maybe I can borrow a Kleenex from Sniffles.

Oh Boy…..

I just wrote a new post and then in my excitement I deleted it into the internet ether. I may never be able to recapture that glory, but here goes.

Basically, as my personal life is winding down here in ye olde Los Angeles, my professional life is winding up. I have been auditioning more than just about ever before and I have been getting callbacks and producer calls. I had three producer call (a callback where the producers are present) in a week and a half. They were for the shows Rita Rocks, Rules of Engagement and Desperate Housewives. I didn’t get any of them, but it gave me the chance to be on three Studio Lots in quick succession. I got to go to CBS Radford, Sony and Universal. At all of these lots, I have pleasant working memories, so that was really nice for me. Studio lots are one of the things that I will definitely miss about being here. There’s such excitement, energy, pressured dreams and hurried people running around together. It’s a lot like New York City. Except that there are no homeless people and golf carts replace cabs as the vehicle that might hit you. I’ve also had 3 commercial avails (the step beyond a callback where they are , in theory, deciding between you and another person for the role.) One I did not get, but two of them I did actually book! I shoot them both next week. I think I must have an air of “What up, jerks?” when I enter the room to audition. Maybe I should try that with dating. But seriously, folks, I think I have an air of, “Hi there. My mind is in another city and…what? You want me to take off my clothes and just wear my pantyhose? Sure. That’s fine. Oh, and here’s my headshot.” Maybe I should try that with dating.
I’ve been doing SORTING. Some of it is only mental. I’ll walk around my place and think, “um, I don’t need to take that. I’ll sell that. And that goes in the dumpster.” But some of it is real sorting. I went through my CDs the other night. I have a bag of them that I will take over to Amoeba. Does anyone need 3 copies of Frank Sinatra’s Greatest Hits? I didn’t think so. I gave my notice at my apartment. It was giving me agita. Not actual heartburn, but just general upset. Once I did it, I felt so free. So free, in fact, that I started crying. So that happened, as my friend Alex likes to say. I’m trying to go with the flow and not judge it. I guess it’s natural….What? You need me to change my entire life and stand in the middle of the living room weeping while my cats look on dispassionately? Sure. That’s fine. Oh, and here’s my headshot.

Memories…..sort of

I have definitely been feeling the pull lately to go alot of places here in Los Angeles. Places that I won’t be able to once I live somewhere else. My birthday was last week and for it, I got to eat at two places that I have been wanting to eat for a LONG time: Jar and Pizzeria Mozza. Neither one was a disappointment. I went to Jar with 10 of my gorgeous lady friends and we just celebrated til the cows came home. We all dressed up and were at the restaurant for about 4 hours. It was elegant and grown-up and oh, so enjoyable. Very Mad Men without the cigarettes or infidelity. I went to Mozza two nights later with my aunt and two of my cousins. It was a FANTASTIC meal. Much more casual but no less delicious. Mmmmmm Mmmmmm. I love to eat! Which is why I have gone back to Weight Watchers. No joke, people. If I don’t have that structure I will get to the point where I am wearing formless skirts and leggings in no time. And I was already 10 pounds on my way to that.
I have also been feeling like there are certain “LA things” that I should do before I go. So this week, I had my eyebrows threaded, went to a Yoga Sound Bath and today I am having a Reiki session. I know I can probably do all those things when I move to Austin, but for some reason I feel like I should do them here in the “land of the fruits and nuts” as my father says. Eyebrow Threading is apparently very common and I really liked it. It didn’t hurt like waxing and it took no time at all. The Yoga Sound Bath was a relaxing, restorative class with big gongs, tuning forks and sound bowls being played for 2 hours. It was a very interesting experience. Ultimately, I really enjoyed it, but during the class I thought I was going to scream at one point. And then I got weird pains in my head like I was being brainwashed. And I had trouble moving my limbs. But other than that, it was great. Reiki today should be very low key. You know, you lie there and the person just places their hands on you. And I’m paying for it. (I have to admit though that I LOVE this stuff. I think I have a bit of hippie in me. I don’t know which side of my family it comes from, but I suspect my mother’s. I have an aunt who is regularly labeled as being “unique.”) As my psyche was being assaulted by loud gongs in that yoga class, I had a memory that I hadn’t thought about in YEARS, if ever. I went to Woodstock, New York in the summer of 1991. I spent 5 summers working summer stock for an opera company in Upstate New York called Glimmerglass Opera. I was a dresser and stitcher in the costume shop. One weekend, a group of us drove to Woodstock to see it. Here is the thing: I have only one memory of that day: going into a little souvenir shop that had a HUGE candle that had been burning since 1969. It resembled one of the trees from the Wizard of Oz that comes to life and throws apples at Dorothy. It was tall, gnarled, old and menacing. Clearly, people had just put candles on top of candles to make this happen because you could see old wicks in the huge, hardened, rainbow drips of wax that reached the floor. There was no containing it. As a 20 year-old, I stared at that candle and thought it was the coolest thing I had seen. I don’t remember anything else. I don’t remember who I went with. I don’t remember how long we were there. I don’t remember what else we did. Just that wild, not-to-be-contained candle. And as I thought about this on Friday night, I had a revelation: that thing was a fire hazard. They could have burned that whole charming village down. Silly hippies! But it also made me think about the first time I went to New York City. And here’s the thing: I can’t remember. I mean, it was either 1990 or 1991. But again, I don’t know who I went with. I remember being in a car with someone and then they dropped me off in mid-town somewhere and then in my mind I ended up in New Jersey seeing my friend Jenny Fisch. Did I take a bus? The subway? Gypsy Cab? I know that the following day we all (whoever it was) went to TKTS and got half-price tickets to see “Crazy for You” on Broadway with the chick who was Ariel’s voice. And that there was tap dancing in toe shoes. And that I ran into a guy named Bud Coleman who was a graduate student at UT where I was an undergrad. And that I kept my money in my shoe. AND THOSE ARE MY MEMORIES OF MY FIRST TRIP TO NEW YORK CITY?!?!?!?!?! What the hell?!?!?!?! And it worries me that my memories of Los Angeles are going to become just as fragmented. And I’ll end up telling people, “I don’t remember the details, but yes, that’s me on Friends.” Or “I don’t remember his name, but my goodness, I loved him.” Or “I don’t know how it happened, but yes, I’m fat.”

In 2000, in a fit of feng shui-inspired madness, I threw out all my journals. I’m still glad I did it because it’s not as if I have ever used one for reference, but right about now, I might be able to find out what year I went to New York City. And I how I got to New Jersey without a cellphone or a knowledge of the city. And what the name of the crazy hippie was who probably burned down Woodstock. Well, thank god for blogs.

Sea of Love

Today I had a commercial audition. Where I had to wear only my underwear. I mean, almost all the cast did, too, but still. We were supposed to be in an office so I put on my pantyhose and my heels and proudly auditioned in the control top. It’s a sight gag for sure. But if I get the job, hooray! It’s funny to walk into a room with 5 other strangers and everyone starts stripping. I know that essentially a bra and panties (I hate that word) are really just like wearing a bikini, but somehow it all seemed forbidden. I had brought a half slip to wear, too, but the session runner let me know that “just pantyhose looks better.” Better to whom?
On Monday night, the wonderful theatre that I am a part of, iO West, hosted part of an evening dedicated to me. It was so lovely and so awkward at the same time. I got to be the monologist for the Armando show at 10PM and then at 11PM there was a tribute. I sat in the audience and listened tearfully as dear friends stood onstage and said amazing things about me. It was like being at my own funeral and getting to hear all the eulogies. Except that at the end of each speech, I got to hug the speaker. That rarely happens at funerals. Even with an open casket. Everyone described this really cool girl and while I knew intellectually that they were talking about me, it was still as if they were talking about somebody else. At the end, I spoke. I don’t remember exactly what I said but I do remember mentioning September 11th. Timely. Everyone loves a reference to terrorism at a celebration. And then Karen gave me a medal that says “Winner.” It was great. I’m not so good at receiving, but it is definitely a night I will never forget. My initial discomfort and anxiety was pushed out of the way by overwhelming love. And that love was coming from me, too.
Speaking of overwhelming feelings, I’ve been having some. My emotions seems to swing from euphoria to melancholy pretty easily and regularly of late. I was at Starbucks and out the window I saw cars in the drive-thru. Each one contained one person. And each one of those people was on the phone. Ah, look at all the lonely people. I should have been wearing the face that I keep in the jar by the door. I started crying. And then today, as I was coming back from Santa Monica, I made really good time on the 405. And I was filled with calm and joy and ecstasy. Do you remember when we met [Los Angeles]? That’s the day I knew you were my pet. I want to tell you, oh how much, I love you.